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October 24th, 2005

03:50 pm: Weight loss
I have been losing an incredible amount of weight on weight watchers. So far I have lost 52.2 pounds as of last friday. I am at 193.2 right now. I had been at 250 for so long that I am amazed at my current weight. Here is my most recent pic http://home.comcast.net/~jenniferpellinen/image/ProfilePic74.jpg

It isn't the best photo of me, but it does show how much weight I have lost. Here is what I looked like befor joining weight watchers. http://home.comcast.net/~jenniferpellinen/image/ProfilePic74.jpg

I am amazed at how good I look now. I am a sexy bitch now. I even make my self all hot and bothered... ok maby that was TMI. But anyway. Weight watchers has worked wonders for me. If you need to lose some weight I HIGHLY recomend joining weight watchers.

03:23 pm: Gender stuff
As you may or may not know I have Asperger's syndrome. If you have no idea what that is go to www.aspergers.com anyway. My therapist and the nuropsychologist who diagnosed the Asperger's (AS) seem to think that my gender issues are because of the AS. My mom recently sent a letter to my therapist expressing her concerns about my gender issues. So my therapist wants me to put some thought into my gender issues. Here is what has been going through my head. I have been living as a woman for a few years now. I identify as a woman, but... I generaly don't feel like one. In fact, usualy my gender feels like nothing. I normaly don't feel like a woman, a man, or anything else for that matter. Just a person. I am kinda butch my presentation reflects that to a degree. I have short hair now. Although I do wear skirts and dresses. But I rarely wear makup. So I realy don't go out of my way to be fem. The only thing I realy do regularly is wear a push-up bra. My boobs were kinda small as it is and they have shrunk from all the weight loss. Also I am not realy concerned about passing anymore. As far as I am concerned I am a woman. Both in identity, presentation to the public and legaly ( I have an F on my drivers licence). So I kinda treat things the way any butch/manly looking woman would. If someone thinks I am a man..... so what.... they are wrong. And since I have the F on my drivers licence. If I get clocked using the womens bathroom, I can defuse the situation by showing my drivers licence. So now adays in many respects my gender has become irrelevant. But because we live in a binary gender society, in intracting with our society I am a woman. If our society were more tollerant of people outside the binary I don't know if I would identify outside the binary. In regards to the concerns of my therapist. Are my gender issues connected with the AS? Well, since people with AS can have problems forming an identity, I think they might be. My therapists take on it is something like "well I don't seem to do well as a man.... maby I should be a woman". I don't realy see it that way. Although I used to think all my problems were gender realated and transitioning would solve them. I was wrong. I have many issues connected to the AS that were not solved by transitioning. In the end, I am much happier now than I used to be. I am also more comfortable interacting with the world as a woman. But for the most part my gender is irrelevant and not something I put a great deal of thought into. This reminds me of something that happined the other day. I was sitting outside the bagel shop talking to my mom on my cell phone. A guy walked by and said something like "can I ask you a question if you wont be offended? (or something to that effect) Are you a guy or a girl?" I was on the phone so I ignored him. I had my ear peice in, so he may not have noticed that I was on the phone. If I hadn't been on the phone I don't know how I would have responded to him. I might have responded with "Excuse me?!?!" His question is inappropriat after all. And my gender is not relevant to him anyway. In the past situations like this used to worry me. Not anymore. In fact I find them kind of amusing. It reminds me of another time when I was walking back from the grocery store... I was wearing a dress.... some guy shouted "faggot" from a passing car. He obviously couldn't get that good a look at me. So he saw the short hair and the dress and made assumptions. What makes this situation even more amusing is that I am a lesbian. Sometimes I think of what I would do if someone assumed I am a guy and asked me if I am gay. Since I am a lesbian technicaly speaking I am gay. So I might respond to the question with a "yes" or maby "yea and?". If the person futher questioned me with something like "why are you gay".... I could just say "um because I like women". If they assume I am a man that answer would confuse the hell out of them. Ok enough on this topic. Sorry for the lack of paragraphs and such. I may fix it later on.

August 21st, 2005

09:25 pm: Law & order and some good news
I was watching an episode of law & order SVU that realy shook me up a bit. In this episode there was a woman who killed ber BF's brother. As it turns out. She was a pre op TS but hadn't told the BF. she figured that if she got SRS she wouldn't have to tell him. Well the BF's brother tried to rape her and found out.., So he killed him because she was worried that he would tell the BF. What realy shook me up is this. The jury found her guilty. because she was a pre-op they put her in jail with men. In the last part of the show detective Beonson (Mariska Hargitay) and the ADA go to the hospital where the tranny character was on a gurny all beat up. As it turns out, she was gang raped in prison. This story hits a little to close to home. I makes me think of the danger I could be in if the wrong person found out that I am TS. It also made me think of an incident that happined to me that could have ended up with me being beaten or killed for being TS. I wont go into details on that.

Now for some good news. Since starting weight watchers I have lost 26 pounds and about 4 inches off my waist. I am at 219 now. At my heaviest I was at 275. I middle school I was 220. It amazes me how much weight I have lost. For ages I was stuck at 250. My only concern is my boobs shrinking a bit. Once I reach my weight loss goals I plan to go back on hormones. Hopefully I will get enough breast growth off the hormones.

Current Mood: distressedShook up

July 12th, 2005

11:39 am: I have been in a bit of a funk lately. I am doing the job hunting thing right now but haven't put much effort into it lately. What I need to do is fill out some job applications today then tomorrow go drop off a whole bunch of them. I wish more places would take resumes so I wouldn't have to spend all this time filling out job apps. Hopefully I will get out of this funk soon.
In other news. The GVHP is having a meeting today to discuss creating a support group again. I was a regular at the old support goroup. So I am going to go to the meeting today. Hopefully a new support group will start up soon. FYI, GVHP = Gender Variant Health care Project. It's a local TG non profit group.
Some other good news. My mom said she would help me with the down payment on a house. So now I must go house hunting. I need to find a resonably priced house. If its a fixer upper kind of house, thats fine. My sisters house was like that. I am sure that my mom and our friend Kris and whoever else, would come up to help fix the place up. In the end a house would be a wise investment. I plan to stay up here. Also, my sister wants to teach at Evergreen. So if she got a job at Evergreen, she could live with me. Once my dad brings the car up I may drive around looking for houses. Oh did I mention that I got in a car accident? My car decided to get a bit to friendly with the back end of a flat bed truck. Got a $154 ticket off of it. Thankfully I didn't get hurt. Unfortunatly my car is in the scrap heap now. But thankfully my sis is letting me borrow her car. It will be nice to be driving again. But with the rise in gas prices, I may still take the bus.
Ok that is about it for now. Hopefully I will keep up with updating my blog. I should try for at least a weekly update.

Current Mood: tiredtired

July 11th, 2005

01:43 pm: Good news I forgot to mention
I have some fantastic news I forgot to mention. A week ago last thursday I started weight watchers. According to the weight watchers scale I have lost a bit over 6 pounds. I had figured that if things keep going the way they are going, that I would reach my goal in 4 months tops. But my mom said that at first you lose weight kinda quickly, then it slows down. So it may take longer than 4 months. But so far things are going well. I highly recomend weight watchers to anyone with a weight problem.

Current Mood: goodgood

July 8th, 2005

11:47 pm: missing
If you have been here befor you will notice that some of the enteries are gone. I put them on private because they contain stuff I would rather the whole world not see. Sure some of the stuff I still have posted I wouldn't want some people to see. But heck, I have to write about something.

11:20 pm: surgery stuff
I have been thinking about TS related surgery stuff. In case you don't know. I have Aspergers Disorder. For those who don't know what it is http://www.aspergers.com/aspclin.htm Anyway. I was talking about the surgery stuff with my therapist since my mom had some reservations about me getting surgeries. Because I have Aspergers my therapist sugested that I wait on surgeries till I am fully supporting my self. I agree with him. Once I am mature enough to be fully independant and supporting my self, then I will posess the maturity needed to decide for sure if surgery is a good idea for me or not. For now I try to save up some $$ for laser hair removal and I may go back on hormones at some point. Thankfully my genitals are not THAT big a deal right now. So holding off on surgery for a few years isn't going to be a prob. So one of these days I may be off to florida to go under the knife. If I do get SRS I plan to go to Dr.Reed in miami http://www.srsmiami.com He does good work and he is relatively inexpencive. He also has some sort of a sliding scale thing going on as well as some grants. So you might want to check him out.

11:14 pm: Great news
Ok I haven't updated in AGES. But with this update I have some fantastic news. I had a job interview at Toys R Us today. As far as I can tell things went well with that. I hope I get the job. It seems like a decent place to work at. I would end up making $7.31 an hour or something. It's not the best, but its better than nothing. Once I get a job, then I can have something to put down on rsumes and applications. Then I can look for better jobs. They are supposed to get back to me in about a week. I sure hope I get the job. Wish me luck.

Current Mood: excitedexcited

May 10th, 2005

02:07 am: gender issues
I just finnished watching a show on TLC about intersex people. More recently my gender hasn't been an issue. But this program got me thinking about my gender. I currently identify as a woman and present my self in society as a woman (to some degree or another). But most of the time I don't feel like a woman, or like a man for that matter. Given that we live in a binary gendered society, it seems logical for me to live in the world as a woman. But that dosen't mean I have to identify as one. Even though I have been identifying as a woman, I am not so sure I still want to identify as such. Legaly and societaly speaking I will still be a woman. I got the sex designation on my state ID changed. And I use the womens bathroom. But I am thinking that this is as far as I will go with being a woman. Unfortunatly sometimes you have to play by societies rules. If I were to apply for a job, I would come to the interview in a skirt and heels. I figure I can bend the rules when it dosen't matter, and conform to the rules when it's to my benefit. I used to identify as genderqueer, I don't know if I would use the label now though. Since I haven't been worring about my gender idenity, I probobly shouldn't stress over it now. I guess I should just roll with it and not go nuts over it. I may mention this to my therapist.
      This has also gotten me thinking about genital surgeries. I have been kinda going back and forth as to weather or not I want SRS. The question is. Why do I need to get "standard" SRS. Why not see if a doc will do something differant. One TS woman managed to convince Dr.Meltzer to keep her testicles. He ended up implanting them under her skin. So why not as the doc to do something out of the ordenary. One of the people on the intersex program had if I remember right "testicular feminization". Basicaly she was born with a small vagina, a small penis, and testies. So I was thinking. Maby I could have my testicles implanted somewhere intact and get a vagina, labia, and a small penis or large clit. When I saw that I was thinking "wow that is so cool". I have had a penis for a bit over 25 years, and frankly it dosen't bother me that much. In some resepects I kinda like having a penis. I wonder what the possibilty would be of having a funtional penis and a vaginal opening. It would be interesting to be able to penetrate and be penetrated. Granted if I had a vaginal opening I would want sexual sensations there. Given the current state of SRS, this may or may not be possible. I will probobly have to make some compromises. A vaginal opening, a labia and large clit might be ok. I am not sure I would even want a labia. The most ideal thing for me would be the ability to change my genitals at will. Granted that is not possible. So I will have to make due with whatever medical science can offer. Should I decide to get any genital surgery. One major hurdle will be getting the SRS letters. If I am compleatly honest with the shrink, they may say no. Unfortunatly there ideas in the TG medical establishment that you have to do A, B, and C. If you want to do A, B and J. Then that is a sign that many you shouldn't do anything. Given the way our sciety is, I can understand why these ideas are promoted. Realy though, as an adult I should be able to have non standard genitals if I so choose. Hopefully if and when I go for gential surgery I will be able to get what I want. If I am going to shell out thousands of dollars for surgery, I should be able to get what I want. The trick will be convincing the doc to do that. Not only that I will have to convince 2 shrinks to give me the approval letters. I don't know if I should just flat out lie to the shrinks in order to get the letters or if I should be 100% honest with them. Anyones advice on the matter would be appreciated. For now I will just have to think about this more and try not drive my self nuts with it

Current Mood: confusedconfused
Current Music: Garbage, Androgyny

April 29th, 2005

11:19 pm: another entry to practice my writing
So anyway. I am here writing again to practice my writing. Lets see. What did I do to day. As with many days. I went to the java flow and had coffee and cigarettes. Rebecca the hot bi chick who works at the java flow part time has a book of perverted poetry written by some 18th century french guy. So that inspired me to write some perverted poetry of my own. I would post the poem right now.... but that would involve going to my car to get my laptop....... I am feeling lazy and high off of kratom.... so I will post it later on. probobly tomorrow when I am at the java flow. I do have one new poem I can post though.

I love the java flow

Sitting at the flow. Smoking and drinking joe. Hot chicks serving joe. Dirty old men running the show. God I love the java flow.

for those who don't know. The Java Flow is the coffee shop I hang out at. It's the only coffee shop in town that allows smoking inside. I should write more poetry. I am pretty decent at it. And hey. its writing. Writing poems will give me practice with writing. hm...... now that I have a car I can go have a beer somewhere and stay out as late as I want...... the prob is...... I would rather not go to a bar alone... so I need to find a drinking buddy..... Maby I can get rebecca to come to Jakes with me. Yes.... going to a gay bar with a hot bi chick sounds like fun. YES..... beer and cigarettes at the gay bar. Although...... if I go to the gay bar alone...... maby some hot lesbian will buy me a drink. It would be nice to not have to pay for the drinks. Maby I will just be a lamer and just get a soda. That said.... if I am going alone..... I can drink sodas and smoke in my appartment.... so why pay extra for something I can do here. Ya if I can't find anyone to go with...... I probobly wont go. ok time for me to go to bed.

Current Mood: sleepysleepy
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