I just finnished watching a show on TLC about intersex people. More recently my gender hasn't been an issue. But this program got me thinking about my gender. I currently identify as a woman and present my self in society as a woman (to some degree or another). But most of the time I don't feel like a woman, or like a man for that matter. Given that we live in a binary gendered society, it seems logical for me to live in the world as a woman. But that dosen't mean I have to identify as one. Even though I have been identifying as a woman, I am not so sure I still want to identify as such. Legaly and societaly speaking I will still be a woman. I got the sex designation on my state ID changed. And I use the womens bathroom. But I am thinking that this is as far as I will go with being a woman. Unfortunatly sometimes you have to play by societies rules. If I were to apply for a job, I would come to the interview in a skirt and heels. I figure I can bend the rules when it dosen't matter, and conform to the rules when it's to my benefit. I used to identify as genderqueer, I don't know if I would use the label now though. Since I haven't been worring about my gender idenity, I probobly shouldn't stress over it now. I guess I should just roll with it and not go nuts over it. I may mention this to my therapist.
This has also gotten me thinking about genital surgeries. I have been kinda going back and forth as to weather or not I want SRS. The question is. Why do I need to get "standard" SRS. Why not see if a doc will do something differant. One TS woman managed to convince Dr.Meltzer to keep her testicles. He ended up implanting them under her skin. So why not as the doc to do something out of the ordenary. One of the people on the intersex program had if I remember right "testicular feminization". Basicaly she was born with a small vagina, a small penis, and testies. So I was thinking. Maby I could have my testicles implanted somewhere intact and get a vagina, labia, and a small penis or large clit. When I saw that I was thinking "wow that is so cool". I have had a penis for a bit over 25 years, and frankly it dosen't bother me that much. In some resepects I kinda like having a penis. I wonder what the possibilty would be of having a funtional penis and a vaginal opening. It would be interesting to be able to penetrate and be penetrated. Granted if I had a vaginal opening I would want sexual sensations there. Given the current state of SRS, this may or may not be possible. I will probobly have to make some compromises. A vaginal opening, a labia and large clit might be ok. I am not sure I would even want a labia. The most ideal thing for me would be the ability to change my genitals at will. Granted that is not possible. So I will have to make due with whatever medical science can offer. Should I decide to get any genital surgery. One major hurdle will be getting the SRS letters. If I am compleatly honest with the shrink, they may say no. Unfortunatly there ideas in the TG medical establishment that you have to do A, B, and C. If you want to do A, B and J. Then that is a sign that many you shouldn't do anything. Given the way our sciety is, I can understand why these ideas are promoted. Realy though, as an adult I should be able to have non standard genitals if I so choose. Hopefully if and when I go for gential surgery I will be able to get what I want. If I am going to shell out thousands of dollars for surgery, I should be able to get what I want. The trick will be convincing the doc to do that. Not only that I will have to convince 2 shrinks to give me the approval letters. I don't know if I should just flat out lie to the shrinks in order to get the letters or if I should be 100% honest with them. Anyones advice on the matter would be appreciated. For now I will just have to think about this more and try not drive my self nuts with it
Current Music: Garbage, Androgyny